


Condemn me for a Villain

by KeelieThompson1



Series: And every tale condemns me [4]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse, Adoption, Angst, Drug Use, Empathy, Father-Son Relationship, Possession
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-07 21:46:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18881872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeelieThompson1/pseuds/KeelieThompson1
Summary: Jamie Stark's empathy is starting to reveal itself and cause terrible problems for the whole family. And, as the years go by, he starts to walk the line between victim and villain.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Jamie is an incredibly unreliable narrator because he's picking up on emotions and cycling them back onto people so everyone is kind of struggling through this and at the mercy of an out of control teenager. Just FYI for how some characters react to him and his emotions.

It’s not fair.

The word are practically Jamie’s life motto at the moment because nothing in his life is! It’s not fair that he’s not allowed to go on holiday with Dad and Pepper. It’s not fair that Adam gets to go off with Clint and Natasha to something that might be like spy training and it’s so not fair that Steve has told Jamie off on four different occasions in the past forty minutes.

“Eat it or lose it,” Clint suggests as he walks by.

Petulantly, Jamie shoves his breakfast plate away and stares at Clint who looks away quickly and Jamie has this sneaky suspicion that Clint is actually laughing at him. 

Sulking is pointless if no-one is paying attention to him.

Huffing, Jamie twists on the chair and kneels on it, leaning on the back of the chair to scowl at Adam who is listening attentively to something that Natasha is saying as she demonstrates some move with some of Dad’s technology. He debates walking over and interrupting, but Natasha is so not the person to play that game with.

Sam comes out of the elevator and smiles over at him.

“I wouldn’t,” Steve offers quietly where he’s sitting, pretending to read and actually watching like he’s Hawkeye instead of Clint and probably it’s his mission to spoil Jamie’s fun.

“He’s being a brat,” Clint offers too.

“I am not,” Jamie snaps. “I never get to go anywhere.”

“You get to go to school,” Adam snaps back, momentarily looking up from Natasha’s demonstration.

“It’s school,” Jamie whines. “Anyway, you can’t go now. You’re too stupid to be a junior.”

Adam moves as if to stand up, but Steve clasps a hand on his shoulder. “Jamie,” he says and Jamie rears back.

“You always take his side.”

“What has he said to you that has upset you?” Sam asks, folding his arms.

God. Adam is like the golden child. He never gets himself in these situations. Everyone always looks at Jamie like he’s the devil or something and Jamie just stands up and walks out.

No-one follows him.

Miserable, Jamie tucks his arm under his armpits like he’s seen Sam and Steve do sometimes and leans against the wall, staring ahead listlessly. He doesn’t even know what he wants, except for the fact that he isn’t getting it. 

“Master Jamie?”

Slowly, Jamie lifts his head. “Yeah?” he asks cautiously because Jarvis isn’t exactly known to always take his side either.

“Would you like to wish your father goodbye?”

No. He should be coming to find Jamie. On his hands and knees in apology and making an effort because he isn’t at the moment. Jamie shrugs and kicks at the floor. Next to him, the stairs are an endless spiral and Jamie has an insane urge to jump down just to see if that would make someone start to pay attention to him.

He waits until his heart starts to flutter with nerves that maybe Dad isn’t going to come and find him. Maybe Dad’s annoyed and he’s going to leave and think that Jamie is awful.

He can’t go back into the main area and so he turns to the stairs, clattering down until he gets to a level where he can access the lifts and he could ask Jarvis to ask Dad to stop or to give Dad a message but he hates not being able to see how someone is reacting. It’s so hard to work out what people are thinking or feeling.

He gets down to the garage and it’s silent.

For long seconds, it’s just Jamie’s breath and he creeps forward, scanning the cars and he thinks he could guess which car Dad would take but there’s nothing obvious left in the garage and there’s no Happy waiting.

They’ve left.

He stares around and then slumps back, fighting tears and scrubbing at his face. And he feels suddenly sadder, his chest aching.

A familiar hand reaches out and Jamie turns, not really questioning how Dad is still there, but willing to take the comfort all the same. Dad says nothing, but gathers him close as he lets out a large sigh and rests his chin on Jamie’s head.

“Puberty is doing a real number on you, kid, isn’t it?”

Jamie just buries himself further into Dad’s chest. And he knows that if any of his friends saw this they’d laugh at him because he’s thirteen years old and not a baby and this is truly pathetic. But standing there with it being quiet and no-one around and just feeling loved…he’d kinda be happy if they stayed in the garage for at least a week.

“I want to come with you,” he whines and he knows he’s whining, but he wants to…he wants to..

This time when Dad sighs, it sounds far more annoyed now and he pulls back to look down at Jamie, his brown eyes firming with something that Jamie can’t quite identify and doesn’t want to identify.

“I am not having you come on my honeymoon,” Dad says and it’s probably the seventieth time Jamie’s been told this.

“I’ll be quiet,” Jamie pleads, reaching out, but Dad’s wearing the undersuit for Iron Man and it means that there’s nothing to grab onto.

Dad stares upwards for a moment and then angles Jamie’s chin so they’re staring at each other. “I am going to go and have sex. A lot of it.”

“I’ll wait quietly.”

Dad actually groans this time. “One mention of me having sex had your brother screeching and practically running away.” He looked away and shook his head. “I am not abandoning you. I am going away for almost a week. Almost.” He narrowed his gaze and then stepped back and away. “I love you.”

Jamie stared over Dad’s shoulder and bit at his lip. “If you did, you’d take me with you. Rather than leave me here.”

He can feel the frustration bubble and blister over like that volcano experiment they made them do last year. “My mistake,” Dad snaps suddenly. “Thought you might want to say goodbye.”

And he turns on his heels and Jamie wants to tell him to fuck off. Or throw something. Or hit something.

Three minutes after Dad leaves, Jamie almost slumps as the feeling drains away from him and he can’t quite pinpoint why he seems to be so stupid at the moment.

Xxx

Even going to school is painful. Well…it’s not and it is because he sees his friends and they laugh and they joke and then somehow they’ve all stopped and Jamie’s still going and he’s had so many detentions now. And parent meetings. The only thing that seems to work isolation and he knows that he is painfully close to being thrown out and home-schooled.

It’s hateful that he’s pretty sure that the only reason it hasn’t happened yet it because no-one at home wants him around all the time. 

He’s sent home by the end of second period. And Happy drives him silently and Jamie can feel the disapproval even from the back where he’s sulkily raised the privacy screen. He shoves some headphones in and half hopes to blow out his brains with the volume as they laze through the traffic.

When the door opens and Happy gets in Jamie yelps because he had so thought they were just stuck in crawling traffic.

“Here,” Happy says, pulling out the headphones and handing Jamie a burger. He pulls the door shut behind him and settles in next to him. 

“You gonna lecture me.”

“No,” Happy says and bites into his burger.

“You’re not meant to eat that,” Jamie points out, slowly unpeeling the wrappers because…well…he’s not so sure that this isn’t some set up.

“You lecture me, I’ll lecture you,” comes the blunt reply and fine. Okay. Except…

Jamie watches unhappily as the man eats. Happy seems content to ignore him and Jamie pushes back into his seat, frustrated. “I won’t have a heart attack,” he says anyway.

“Good to know,” Happy replies and Jamie rolls his eyes. 

They sit in silence, eating burgers and slowly, Jamie feels the tension ebb away as he starts to trust that there isn’t an agenda hidden in the interaction. 

“Adam wasn’t like this,” Jamie says after a while, crinkling the wrapper in his hand.

“Nope,” Happy agrees. 

Xxx

At home, Jamie wander aimlessly. He has school work, but he can’t settle to it, his mind too busy turning everything over and he hates it. When Adam comes in, he picks a fight and Adam just walks out of the room and no-one else comes in.

Xxx

Dad and Pepper come home from their honeymoon after three days when Jamie finally gets himself expelled. And there’s some sort of war council up on the roof rather than the main room they all usually gather around and Jamie half wishes that they were further away or closer and he doesn’t even know how to with that. The anger suddenly seems to build and build and he can’t deal with it, he can’t-.

He pushes out. And throws the glass at the TV.

And the stares at it in horror.

And then slowly up at the ceiling.

“Jarvis?” he whispers. “Did you-”

“Sir is aware.”

He wants to pick it all up and glue it back together and he doesn’t get where the anger went only that it’s the first time in weeks that he hasn’t felt this burning festering annoyance and he just wants to sleep.

“What did you do?”

Jamie freezes because he’s never, ever heard Dad speak to him in that tone of voice. And he stays frozen in terror as the man launches into the room and storms over, hand out and-

“Stark.”

Thor grabs Dad’s hand. And Jamie stares, still in disbelief because Dad…surely he was going to grab Jamie not…his hand was open and pulling back so it looked like…

No. There is no way that Dad would hit him.

But there’s something like horror suddenly dawning in Dad’s face.

“I told you,” Thor says in his gravelled tones, but he sounds urgent suddenly. “I told you this would happen.”

Dad’s panting like he’s been running. And like he’s been shot. His eyes are glued to Jamie and he looks so very pale suddenly. When Thor backs off, he collapses back onto the nearest chair, like a puppet with their strings severed. 

Thor ducks his head for a moment and turns to Jamie. “Young Stark,” he says and kneels in front of Jamie. “Look at me,” he instructs firmly.

Jamie does because he’d rather anything at the moment than stare at his father. Thor studied him, holding his hands gently and sighs. “Are you aware of what an Empath is?”

“I’m not stupid, I know what empathy is,” Jamie mutters and it’s easier to reach for annoyance again and-

“No,” Thor says firmly and his grip tightens a little. There’s a slight flicker of electricity and Jamie yelps, and it’s like the frustration pops like a balloon pierced by a pin. 

“You, little one,” Thor says gently, “Can feel what other people feel. You’re building up on the feedback.”

What?

He stares at Dad and it makes him feel sick because all that anger and frustration and sorrow…is that what Dad feels every time that he sees Jamie? It’s awful and he suddenly struggles for breath and-

Everything goes black.

Xxx

When he wakes up, he’s in Happy’s car except the engine’s off and he’s laying down like he’s deliberately taken a nap.

When he twists around, there’s Iron Man. Sat in the car, silent and seemingly like he’s off.

“Dad?” Jamie asks, uncurling and reaching out hesitantly. “Are you-”

The suit lights up as if starting to awake like some weird ass version of sleeping beauty or something. The suit turns to him and then reached out a hand to cup his face.

“Thought you’d be angrier,” Dad says.

He doesn’t feel angry now. He feels…he doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to know.

Dad tilts his head and Jamie waits for the metal to open like a snake yawning but nothing happens. “What did Thor mean?” he asks, hating the way that his voice wobbled and wavers.

“Empathy,” Dad says slowly “is…” he shifts and pulls Jamie gently forward and it isn’t comfortable, but it does feel the closest thing to a hug that he’s had for a while. “We don’t know, kid. It’s…a working progress to try and figure this out. Whatever Hydra did, they’ve activated some part of your brain. Unintentionally. You try and push emotions away and Adam used to take the brunt of it, but-”

What? Jamie pulls back horrified. “What-”

“He’s fine,” Dad insists. “I mean he had the longest temper I’ve ever seen in a teenager, but he’s fine. He just used to get the brunt of what you’ve unintentionally shoved out. And now we are too and whatever we feel is amplified and it all seems to be coming back on you. A lot.”

Shit. “That’s…the shittest superpower ever,” Jamie murmurs, and then shoves at the suit. “Is this protecting you from me?”

Dad hesitated. “Jamie…I’m…this is remote controlled.”

For an insane moment, Jamie think he’s talking about the car. But…

Oh.

He pulls away a little, not really sure what to make of that. 

“Jim-Jam, every time we’re in a room together…you care what I think. You see me as safety. You are shoving us all into a cycle that’s…” Dad…no rather the suit bows its head. “This is not your fault. We wanted you to be as unaware as possible to give you as much as a childhood as we could.”

Jamie pushes away and curls up around his knees, touching his chin to them. 

“Is anyone else here?” he asks.

“No. Not for a couple of miles.”

It’s kinda like the worst possible answer because Jamie hasn’t felt this calm in months. Which means… “You have to send me away,” he whispered.

The suit pulls him in and Jamie hisses a little because it’s not exactly soft. “Kid…” Dad sounds wrecked. “I really don’t want to. You know how I feel about it.” Dad strokes a hand through his head. “We’re talking options. For now, you and me. We can do this. Happy’s taken us to a cabin. We can use that for a few days while we sort this out.”

Jamie just closes his eyes.

Xxx

Eight days in and Jamie has heard his Dad argue once because he must have been awake for over thirty hours and he left the head set and speakers on once Jamie had hopped in the shower.

Dad is literally the only person who is arguing against him not going and Dad is also practically about to pass out because he won’t leave the headset alone in case someone…well, Jamie has no idea what his Dad’s being paranoid about, but he’s clearly being mega overprotective about something.

Skyping Adam isn’t so hard.

“This is weird,” Jamie whispers to him.

“Yeah,” Adam agrees.

“I mean…all of it, but also being here while you’re there.” Jamie plucked at his sweatpants loose thread. “Do you remember that time Dad took me to California?”

Adam scowls. “Yes,” he mutters still apparently bitter about that.

“And you told me I could come home whenever I wanted?”

Immediately, his brother softens. “Jamie…”

“I can’t though, can I?” Jamie asks sadly. “And Dad’s the only one who hasn’t accepted it.”

Adam looks away and that’s something that they’ve both picked up from Dad. Sunglasses, shifting a gaze, anything to hide that for a second you’re feeling something you don’t want to share.

“Not sure he’s ever going to accept it, Jamie,” Adam says eventually, looking back at him. 

Yeah. Maybe not.

Xxx

The school he’s sent to is so much smaller than what he’s used to. Kid’s with social anxieties and who the hell though Jamie was someone to mix with these kids? 

Still. It’s better. It’s mind-numbing but it’s better. These are people that he doesn’t care about, that treat him with professional detachment and it’s hateful, but so much better than what he had.

“You’re changing the bed?” Adam asks over Skype as Jamie stares at the mangled quilt and the various bits of cloth that someone expects him to do something with. 

“I have to have a task when I talk to people,” Jamie muttered, rolling his eyes as he eyes up the mattress sheet-thing and the mattress itself. “Stupid psychologists rules. It’s beyond dumb.”

“Did they give you an instruction manual for changing the bed?”

Whatever. “Like you know how to do it,” Jamie sneered. 

“Like I have to do it.”

Whoah. Surprised (and actually pretty pleased), Jamie grinned at his brother. “Aw, look at you starting to get funny.”

Adam smiled sadly and then looked away from his camera. “Someone has to be around here,” he murmured.

Xxx

Dad activated an Iron Man suit a couple of times a week now that Pepper was getting him into some sort of routine, and Jamie found himself in the bizarre scenario of walking up and down manicured gardens with a suit of armour and so aware of the eyes staring at him from the rooms in the house beyond.

“You seem…happier,” Dad said, sounding almost peeved by it. And Jamie leaned in close because he knew exactly how Dad felt because if Dad was doing better when Jamie had left he’s be pissed too.

“It’s easier,” Jamie admitted, shrugging. “Them I mean. I couldn’t give a shit how they feel.”

He probably should like…say it better. But Dad knows what he means and the cold metal of the suit rests on his shoulder in that reassuring way. 

“Saw on the news that everyone’s back,” Jamie said, trying not to think of all the reasons why maybe they hadn’t all been back at the tower for a while.

“Loki’s spectre,” Dad said after some sort of quick deliberation in his head. “Hydra have it but we think…besides leaving it in their hands being the world’s worst plan, maybe it might help you. Come home.”

Jamie presses in because it’s the closest he can get to a hug and still nothing like one. 

Xxx

It’s shit. Psychologists come and go and scientists pop in to mutter over his head and run blood tests while Iron Man suits stand in the corner, radiating disapproval. 

Xxx

The first thing that makes Jamie suspicious is Dad physically being on the grounds. There’s like this little shack by the woods and there’s some Perspex that’s been shoved up or something like it and Dad sits on one side and Jamie comes in to sit on the other.

“Did someone die?” Jamie asks and he’s like eighteen percent serious.

Dad smiles and looks down. It’s different seeing him in person rather than screen. In person, he looks tired and drawn, circles around his eyes and there’s a cut on his cheek from some fight.

“Jamie…” he shifts and then steels himself. “I have…good news. But…kid, the timing is so shit.”

Jamie tilts his head, curious, trying to work out where this is going and there’s a weird feeling like a balloon about to burst and he should know better than to search for feelings. It takes an effort to pull everything back in.

“Dad-”

“Pepper’s pregnant.”

It doesn’t really make sense at first.

Then there’s a roaring jealousy that is all completely and utterly his own. Dad will have a baby that’s…his. And not fucked up and can be held and doesn’t make people angry and hurt and scream in frustration. An easier, softer child.

He hates it.

Behind the glass, Dad sucks in a breath and stumbled away from the sheet of glass or plastic or whatever the fuck it is that separates them.

The rage is…it’s like something he can taste. There’s betrayal and hate and isolation. And it’s almost touchable now. A haze that he can feel building like electricity between his fingers.

The sheet between them starts to shake. And he can distantly feel shock and confusion, but it’s no-where near as addictive as his own emotions so he scoops it up instead, like adding to the funnel of a tornado.

A cracking like ice breaking up starts to echo and there’s shouting and something wet on his face-

He slumps to the floor in exhaustion. 

Xxx

When he wakes up, he’s in an unfamiliar bed and he feels…nothing. Utterly empty. He’s not at the school anymore.

There are days of just staring. Nothing interests him and nothing annoys him. It just…is.

On the fourth night, Adam appears silently and creeping like he’s not meant to be there. And, like they’re kids again, he curls up next to Jamie and it’s like holding onto sunlight.

“I’m going to rot in here,” Jamie whispers, feeling the horror start to push back in. “It’s gonna be like I never left that lab.”

Adam shakes his head, holding onto him tightly. “Never,” he hisses. “We’ll run away. Find somewhere that no-one goes. Dad knows a few places.”

God, if he has to rely on Bucky Barnes to help him, he really is fucked.

“Are you happy about it?” he asks. “The baby.”

Adam pulls a face and shrugs. “Babies are boring,” he says dismissively.

But he is. Jamie can feel it. Adam is pleased for Dad and Pepper, is excited and sad. And it’s so tempting to pull on those emotions, to wrap himself in it. But it would steal that from Adam and that’s his brother.

His brother. Not the baby’s.

Xxx

Things are strained between him and Dad. Even without having him physically there, Jamie knows that Dad is disappointed in Jamie’s reaction to the baby. And what he thinks of Jamie shattering some sort of divider that Dad put up, they never really discuss.

Xxx

He turns fourteen alone and hates that Adam turns eighteen alone too.

Xxx

Jamie has been out of the tower for ten months, Pepper is five months pregnant and Dad, according to Adam, has practically lived in the workshop for a month.

Which is how he creates something called Ultron.

Xxx

Jamie hears about it on the news before the TV is switched off.

Hal comes in and grabs him. “We need to move,” he snaps. And, down the hall, a suit is walking around, firing off repulsor blasts. “Now.”

They get out of the building before the suit…whatever AI Dad has accidently created, can get to them. Outside is woods again and Jamie looks around-

A gun shot echoes out and Hall drops to his knees, looking stunned as he dies.

There’s a cloth over Jamie’s mouth before he can even suck in breath to scream.

Xxx

When he wakes, he’s in a room that’s far too familiar. Oh, not the room itself, but the style, the feel, the people and equipment. All of it could be from his memories of eight years ago of the Hydra lab.

He starts to panic. His hands are strapped down to the arms of a metal chair and there’s a machine over his head and Jamie can’t quite suck in enough breath to even think let alone speak or do whatever the fuck it was he did with Dad.

The people around him ignore him. They place things on his head, inject something and Jamie wants to scream but he can’t and he can’t work out what the hell is happening, only that it feels like there’s a brick on his mind and there are a set of eyes staring at him from the corner.

Dad will come.

Dad will come.

Xxx

Time becomes…hazy. The room spins and merges and he starts to become confused between dream and reality. People jump around in his mental narrative and time…it’s like some toddler is clicking through a youtube video.

There’s a voice. He can’t hear it, but he can. And the brick has become a concrete slab and he thinks his head is going to explode.

Xxx

_He’s in the tower but it’s not right or it is and there are things in his room that he had at the school and it’s confusing and…_

_The door’s locked._

_The door is never locked, but it is. And he can hear laughter outside, people happy and there’s a baby cooing and Adam is calling out brother and Dad is talking about his sons-_

_‘I’m here,” Jamie calls, pounding on the door. “Stop ignoring me. I’m here.”_

_He pounds on the door. Beats his fists until they start to bloody._

_Suddenly the door gives way and he’s back in the lab._

_His head hurts so much. And there’s blood._

_Xxx_

_Whispers start to peek through. And it’s like he hasn’t slept in months. Something is chasing him and now he can’t find a door. Or walls. Or any sort of shelter._

_Adam will come._

_Adam will come._

_Xxx_

_You’re not needed. No-one is coming._

_Jamie blinks his eyes open and looks up at those around him. There’s someone watching a monitor that the leads around his head are attached to. Someone else is holding a syringe that’s empty and the eyes are ever present._

_Only now there’s someone with bloody fists that draw back to slam into Jamie’s face again._

_Let go._

_Xxx_

_There’s no escape. There’s a monster in his mind and monsters in the room._

_Adam will come._

_Xxx_

_It’s hard to describe the mind. Jamie knows that he is losing time. He knows that his body is being torn apart and that his mind is too. He tries to summon images to hide in but they are shattered every time he tries. His mind is not his own and he doesn’t know how to take it back._

_And then it’s like something explodes._

_He’s in a hallway. And there are doors. Two close and then more going down the hall that look dimmer and dimmer._

_At the other end is a woman. With the eyes._

_He can’t even move or fight and he wants so badly for someone to come and take him away from this. His family are superheroes._

_Where are they?_

_The woman touches his chin and tilts his head, her eyes almost clinically curious. “You were meant for this,” she says softly, her voice accented in a way that he can’t place. “There is no fighting it. You were designed to be a receptacle for my father.”_

_“No,” Jamie whispers. “Hydra…they made me an empath-”_

_“No,” she says, almost as if sad that he came to the wrong conclusion. “No. That’s just a side effect. We almost left it too long.” Beyond, one of the doors starts to unlock._

_He stares at it and he knows somehow that this will be the end. The door slowly creaks and Jamie looks past the woman._

_Adam. Please. Adam will come._

_He backs away from her and presses back and… it’s hard to describe but there’s a door that feels safer. And through it, it suddenly becoming translucent, and there’s Bucky, younger and happier walking with…is that Steve?_

_“Blood memories,” the woman explains as the other door continues to open. “I wouldn’t venture too far into his.”_

_Blood…Jamie looks again at the hallway and there’s a dim realisation that each doorway…each door that becomes more and more faded as it travels further back, might actually be the memories of a relative._

_“Yes,” the woman says and she’s watching the door now, apparently unconcerned that Jamie could ever be a threat. “We had to have someone of our bloodline.”_

_The knowledge comes to him in an exhausted haze and he doesn’t even have anything left to be surprised by it. “You’re my mother.”_

_She sniffs. “You were fertilised with my egg.”_

_He tries to remember what Pepper looks like but the image keeps slipping away. The only solace he has is to press against Bucky’s door and stare at the two young men, laughing at a fair._

_Hide, Bucky’s voice whispers to him._

_The word breezes over him and there’s a flicker of a memory of being under his bed in the tower._

_He goes there just as the other door slams open._

_Xxx_

_There’s someone in his mind. Walking in his body. Talking with his voice. And Jamie is just a shadow, hiding under a bed in the memory of being six and waiting for his brother to join him._

_He gets glimpses of things. He thinks it’s like fishing. They’re trying to see if he’s still there. Someone being beaten and he doesn’t know who they are, but he does know that they won’t survive the session._

_There’s a woman crying and he thinks he should know her, but curls away from the idea and the image._

_Someone distantly screams his name and he knows the voice, but he ignores it because there are monsters circling the tower and he doesn’t know how to fight them._

_Someone else needs to fight them for him._

_Anyone._

_There’s an image of Bucky Barnes, younger and his arm missing as he screams in a cell somewhere and Jamie curls in on himself because he doesn’t know how to react to that at all. But the image jumps to Bucky aiming a gun at him, his hand shaking._

_It’s quiet after that. He hides._

_Xxx_

_Then there’s another image. It feels like time has moved on, but he isn’t sure._

_It’s of Steve in front of him, hands around his throat and he can suddenly feel it and he can move his hands and he scraps at Steve for a second or two before he realises what is happening. What could happen._

_He could die._

He drops his hands and tries to hold his breath and he can see Steve’s gaze narrow and then the hands loosen and Jamie shakes his head.

“No,” he whispers hoarse. “Finish it.”

Steve is suddenly pale and steps back, almost shaking. He’s in a stealth like uniform and Jamie doesn’t know where they are, but Steve has a beard and is reaching out a trembling hand.

“Please,” Jamie whispers and throws himself forward, “Please.”

But Steve wraps him up in his arms and holds him tight and then that brick starts to pull on his neck, on his head and mind and Jamie screams-

_He runs in his mind. It’s like running from a tiger, it outpaces him and he dives-_

_He finds the bed. He finds the memory and the shadow sweeps past, losing track of him again._

_Xxx_

_The image of his own bloody hands and a body on the floor hits him._

_He’s exhausted. He couldn’t react if he wanted to._

_Xxx_

_They’re circling. His only safe space is literally the surface underneath the bed. And it’s getting smaller. And smaller._

_Xxx_

_They find him._

_Xxx_

_He’s in the hallway again. She has a different hair style now, lighter streaks in her hair and the man is tall and has a permanent sneer on his face that, sometimes, in certain lights, flickers red._

_There’s a gun in his hand and it presses to Jamie’s head. It’s not real, he knows that. If it were that simple, his mother and grandfather would have done it years ago. Instead, it’s a manifestation of their intention and he can feel something happening._

_He won’t leave this hallway ever again. He’s going to be destroyed, alone and ignored and no-one is coming for him._

_He just wants…he just wants…_

_He reaches out; Bucky’s door is there and turns his head because he wishes that, for a second, he could have some comfort. Something. Anything_

_“Diamonds,” Bucky’s voice whispers suddenly, “they’re just rocks, Stevie. Put under huge pressure until they become hard. So hard that they’re almost indestructible.”_

_And like water dropping, one moment suddenly hangs in his mind._

_The glass in between him and Dad shattering._

_His mind has been battered and tortured and ripped apart. It hurts. And that brick, that chunk of concrete, that overwhelming, constant pressure is always there. And his whole world became that space under the bed._

_Him._

_It’s like summoning in a tidal wave and he can feel her doing something but-_

_But. She isn’t the only parent in his head. She isn’t the only connection he has._

_His fingers tighten on Bucky’s door and he pulls._

_His father has eons of pain and hurt and suffering. And it catches like wildfire in Jamie’s mind, paper being gobbled up by a match and it’s faster than thought or telepathy. It builds like nothing else, uncontrolled and endless._

_Fire doesn’t need structure. Emotions don’t. The hallway collapses and the doors go up like they were always a puff of smoke and there are screams around him. The only thing he holds onto is Bucky’s door handle._

_He is all that he needs._

_The rest can burn._

He opens his eyes.

His own breathing is all that he can hear. There’s blood dripping down his face and his head aches like he’s been using it as a hammer to build a house.

Around him are seventeen bodies. All staring at the ceiling. All shocked. Terrified. 

Dead.

Moving feels impossible. Every time his hand or fingers or legs shift, his brain almost struggles to process it and he stumbles along, half-drunk as his mind feels flattened. 

She isn’t there. That bitch that watched a petri-dish get fertilised to bring her father back to life. Whatever she was doing, she was doing at a distance and via the equipment that is now a burned, muddled mess.

The next wave is anger. Fear and horror and shame have been his constant companions, but anger. That feels like a relief to finally indulge in and he shoves it out and knows, somehow that another life has winked out in the distance.

He doesn’t care.

Xxx

The bodies start to rot before he stumbled out of the base. There isn’t a soul alive and he doesn’t care.

He’s eighteen years old technically. It’s been four years since Tony Stark created Ultron and Sinthea Schmidt stole Jamie Stark from an upstate facility, killing everyone in the building that Ultron hadn’t got to first. Three years since Tony Stark and the Avengers burned their way through half of Europe looking for him. Two years since Johann Schmidt walked into the Avengers headquarters and nearly killed them. A year since Tony Stark agreed to place the Avengers under the Sokovia Accords and eight months since the old Captain America and the Winter Soldier disappeared, apparently going rogue after some huge argument between the Avengers. 

Three months Adam Stark was named as a new Captain America. Two months since Morgan Stark was born, Tony’s daughter. 

Jamie Stark, he reads, has been declared dead and the man walking around in his body has been charged with mass murder. Terrorism. Torture. Also known as Red Skull or Johann Schmidt. Kidnapping is on there too and it makes him giggle because he kidnapped himself. 

So he does the only thing that seems reasonable.

Four years of torture?

He heads to a nightclub, presses himself into people that feel happy and joyous and wild and high and finally feels something that isn’t agony.

And he does it for months.

xxx

It’s…later. He’s used to losing time and drugs and alcohol keep that up beautifully. He has sex and he enjoys the feedback no matter what happens to him. His days and nights are filled with ecstasy and it’s perfect because he doesn’t care, just feels the best parts of everything.

He’s stumbling out of a huge bed, some rich fucker who knows what they’re doing and enjoys doing it with a lot of people. Probably could have even been what Jamie would have become if not for the whole empathy thing.

He’s pouring himself some vodka. There’s whiskey there and bourbon but the colours make him think of Dad and he’d rather not.

“Jamie Stark.”

The voice is…curious, but confident. Confused, Jamie turns around because those are so not two emotions that most people would have when realising he was alive.

Some guy stands there dressed like he’s going for first prize at comic-con. He seems equally derisive of the fact that Jamie is standing there naked which …fair. 

“Put some clothes on.”

“I don’t actually remember the last time that someone said that to me,” Jamie hums as he takes another sip and leans back against the bar. And the guy’s not bad to look at and confident people are usually good in bed so he pushes a wave of lust at the man who-

Who fucking bats it away.

What?

Jamie stands up, awake and focused now.

“My name is Stephen Strange,” the wannabe-wizard says, “And I think we might be able to help each other.”


	2. Chapter 2

The first disappointing thing about Dr Strange is that he bans all drug use. Which, for a doctor, and even a wizard, is pretty lame.

“Sorcerer,” Dr Strange corrects as he reads some boring dusty book.

“Oh, yeah. That’s made a huge difference,” Jamie mutters as he walks around the room. They’re in the mountains somewhere and Jamie would have a better idea if he hadn’t stepped through some yellow circle thing in order to get to the place. “Look, dude, I don’t know-”

“Anything?”

He kinda feels affronted at that. It’s been years since anyone’s called him stupid and he rocks back, not sure how to react. “Look, the whole yoga retreat thing is cool, but I got places to be-”

“People to do?”

He grins, but annoyingly he can’t quite seem to summon up the urge to agree. He’s literally surrounded by monks right now and sex isn’t exactly something that is swirling around.

“You need to clear your mind. Remove the influences upon it.” Dr Strange looks down at his book. “That should take a few weeks.”

“And if I don’t want to be left with just me?”

The man slowly lifts his gaze to Jamie. “The world will not run out of cocaine in the next month.”

“Ecstasy,” Jamie mutters after a moment. Then huffs. “Fine. Whatever.”

Xxx

It takes five days for the dreams to start. 

“Well,” Dr Strange says as they stare at the four people in the hospital beds from having nearly had their brains leak out of their ears. “The energy around you contained most of your emotions to one room.”

“Yay,” Jamie mutters, leaning against the wall and shoving away anything that feels like guilt because this is so not his stupid idea. “Crap, you want to do more research, don’t you?”

Dr Strange looks heavenwards.

“You think God’s gonna help?”

“No,” he says, still staring. “I’m just trying to decide which one to use.”

On the ceiling there are weird signs like they’re a language or something and Jamie scowls. “Why are they on the ceiling?”

“It’s bigger,” Dr Strange drawls, looking back at him. “Obviously.”

Xxx

Withdrawal is gross. Just by the by. Jamie pukes his guts out and then shits out anything else. And he strongly suspects that Dr Strange got bored of waiting and slipped something into his breakfast because this really can’t be normal. It’s like someone’s taking a hoover to his insides and is spring-cleaning because there is nothing left but blood and air inside of him once it’s finished.

“I hate you,” Jamie mutters.

Wong looks at him doubtfully. “Clean up your own mess then,” he decides and nods as if pleased to be released.

And then just leaves!

Jamie stares at him and then glares at Dr Strange. “Death is easier, surely?”

There’s a hint of a smile. “Usually,” he agrees.

Xxx

Two weeks after arriving, Jamie drags himself out to watch them all…conjure? Spar? Go through some weird slow dance on a bridge?

Wizards are weird.

“Would you like to join us?”

Jamie stares at him. “No.” He reaches for the tea that Wong is holding out and then all but whines when Wong lifts it away.

“People who try get tea,” Wong chides and then he’s off and like…Jamie is never going to play any games with the man. He has no mercy.

He really wants something that isn’t water and oatmeal.

Rolling his eyes, he stands and shuffles over and then huffs when Dr Strange moves him away.

“I just-”

“You can harness energy in the right circumstances. Different from us, but the starting points will be the same.”

“What? You can see the future?” Jamie asks sarcastically as he’s arranged into some sort of stance.

“Yes.”

What? 

Jamie absorbs that as he’s pushed and proded and then snaps out a hand to grab at Doctor Strange. “You’ve seen my future?” he asks and he doesn’t know why his chest suddenly aches.

“I have seen many of your futures,” Dr Strange replies and, maybe for the first time, there’s a hint of compassion in his features. “And your past.” He pries Jamie’s hand away from his chest and, is it Jamie’s imagination or does the red cloak he’s wearing seem to almost be slapping his hands the way you’d gently tap a toddler away from something. “Any future in which you can help needs you to be here.”

That’s…terrifying. “No,” Jamie says, backing away. “I don’t help.”

And he walks away without a second glance.

Xxx

_“The beach?” Pepper asks him._

_“Mm,” Jamie replies lazily. He has his head on her arm as she’s looking at wedding venues on the StarkPadd that she has, a glass of wine in her other hand._

_“It’s be hard to make it private,” Pepper sighs, but she seems tempted. “You’re meant to be reading,” she scolds suddenly._

_“I’m literally watching Frankenstein,” Jamie complains, gesturing at the film._

_“Not the same,” Pepper murmurs and the screen suddenly switches to yards of text. “Read.”_

_“You know, other moms just get the nanny to read the synopsis to the kids.”_

_“Aren’t you lucky then?” Pepper replies, almost absently._

_He twists, ignoring the screen and snuggling into her. He’s twelve and he’s almost too big for this, but he can use the whole terrible childhood in a lab think to eek it out a little longer, he reckons. He watches instead as she looks through themes and pintrest is getting a healthy use out of her._

_She hasn’t responded to the mom comment, he thinks sulkily._

_He must doze off, stewing about it because Dad is there, gently lifting him up and it’s a bit of a struggle now, but there’re some bits of armour that he’s using to help._

_“Time for bed,” Dad murmurs in his ear._

_He wakes up and stares at the ceiling as tears start to spill down his cheeks._

Xxx

Pepper Potts.

They have internet connection. Wong had actually looked offended and then glared at Dr Strange like it was his fault Jamie had asked before muttering under his breath something about Americans.

She came looking for him. 

That night when the Iron Man suit had lit up and Hal had shoved Jamie through the building to help him escape. She’d driven over, pregnant and Happy had been with her.

And Barnes had turned up.

The three of them had gone into the place. And Pepper had lost her baby because of it.

He stares at her face, a recording taken almost a year later when the Avengers were being hauled up about their actions in Eastern Europe as they had hunted for Jamie. She looked pale and thin, but still strong and he’d forgotten her face.

No.

She’d made him forget Pepper’s face.

He stares for longer and then opens a separate browser because even in this, those two women should not be placed in the same thing. 

Sinthea Schmidt.

Her face appears on a wanted poster. She’s older than he saw her in his mind. Thin face, dark hair and there’s something about the nose and mouth that they share and Jamie had a sudden urge to carve at his own features with a knife rather than share that.

There’s not much on her even if there is a lot of internet pages dedicated to the woman. Forums discussing if she really has telepathy. A crunched up youtube clip of her making three people fight to the death.

He pauses it when he spots his own body.

His first stupid thought is that his hair looks fucking ridiculous. And he’s dressed in black and looks like some wannabe vampire because he’s probably sixteen in the clip. The smile on his face isn’t his own and there’s an approval in his eyes that makes Jamie want to be sick.

He types in his own name.

It’s a mixture. Some believe that the Avengers have come up with a lie to protect their psychopathic progeny.

Most don’t.

There’s a grave for him. It was erected two years ago by Tony Stark and there are little trinkets in the picture that make Jamie push any emotion away because he just can’t deal with it.

The next picture is of his family; his brother and father and the woman that should have been his mother all at the grave. Adam is so tall now and Jamie reaches out a wondering hand to the picture, stroking his fingers over the familiar features.

Dad’s kneeling down and his hand is flat on the stone while a pregnant Pepper rests her hand on his bowed head.

“You could help them,” Dr Strange says quietly.

“They’re better off,” Jamie snaps, closing the browser window and then scowling when the other one with Pepper is left on the screen.

He closes that one too.

Xxx

It’s two months later when Dr Strange asks Jamie what he wants for breakfast.

“Oatmeal or oatmeal?” Jamie mutters.

“Anything.”

“Pancakes,” Jamie says and he doesn’t look up but suddenly there’s a familiar smell and he stares, images of Bruce cooking endless batches suddenly flooding him.

Xxx

“Yes?” Dr Strange asks as Jamie stares at him all morning.

“What’s your story?” Jamie asks, turning the chair around. “Why are you here?”

“Is that a philosophical question?”

Jamie makes a show of yawning at the lame joke. “What’s your story?”

Dr Strange smiles and holds out his hands. They’re a mess of scars and Jamie stares at them in horror and how the hell does the man do all those tricks with his hands.

“Sometimes,” the man says, reaching for his book again, “You need to heal.” And he gestures to their surroundings. “Especially when the wounds cannot be fixed by modern medicine.”

Jamie hesitates. Then sighs. “So will I be able to do funny yellow circles that kidnap people?”

Dr Strange actually smiles. “No.” 

Blunt. And rude. 

But Jamie’s starting to like it.

“You gonna train me anyway?”

Dr Strange shakes his head. “No. Someone else will. I’m very important around here. I barely have time to read.”

“You are shitting me,” Jamie said, staring at him after a beat. “That’s all you do.”

Dr Strange just winks.

Xxx

The instructor that he gets is called Cam and seems to be about seven years older and bored of Jamie’s shit already.

“You stay and learn or go,” he’s told bluntly. “Do not piss around.”

Fine.

Xxx

He backs out the second they say meditation. Like, what did he think was gonna happen but also no.

Xxx

Wong finds him and practically hauls him outside.

“Energy,” he instructs as they stand on the freezing wall, “is around you. And you can tap into it.” He reaches out for Jamie’s hand and there’s warmth suddenly. “Change it.” 

And then that warmth collapses. 

“But not control it.” Wong lifts his chin and looks Jamie straight in the eyes. “You are lazy. Arrogant. Hurt. Unwilling. We told you. Stay and learn or leave.”

Jamie pulls away. “I will go,” he threatens. “I will-”

There’s something pushing at him and he feels it tugging him, his spirit and his mind, from his body and-

No.

He shoves back, seeing stars and waves of greasy black as he stumbles and turns to see that Dr Strange is on his knees. Blood pouring down his face and pale as he looks up shakily.

“Then you will kill someone innocent.”

Wong’s voice seems to roll over him and Jamie stares at what he’s done. Dr Strange is shaking and he’s struggling to stand.

“He attacked me,” Jamie defends weakly.

“You are scared,” Wong says and there’s no judgment, only facts. “Scared animals always think they’re being attacked.”

He reaches out again and Jamie flinches away because it’s too much and he can’t cope and then-

And then he’s being hugged. Wong (Wong!) is hugging him.

“Cutting us to shreds will not make you less vulnerable,” Wong whispers in his ear. “Letting us piece you back together will.”

How many years has it been since he was touched like this. Just hugged and held. Not for pleasure or to restrain but just to be.

He cries.

Xxx

The next day is meditation. He manages thirty minutes.

“It requires practise. The mind needs to be cleared,” Wong says, poking at Jamie’s head. “And there is a lot in yours.”

“I’ve been mindless,” Jamie snaps.

“Not mindless. At peace. All those thoughts and worries that whirl around you need to be sorted through.” Wong regards him for a moment. “Tomorrow you’ll do an hour.”

Jamie doubts it.

Xxx

_He’s seven and lying on top of Dad who is fast asleep. The TV is on, still playing the movie but Jamie stares at his dad’s face, just…fascinated._

_“Did he fall asleep?” Pepper asks, coming in quietly._

_Jamie nods and she bends down close to him, smiling and he can count her freckles. Sleepily, he reached out and she captures his hand to press a kiss to it._

_“Come on,” she says and picks him up. She’s stronger than she looks and, for a minute, she looks down at Dad with a strange almost longing expression on her face._

_She tucks him in and offers him a teddy which he takes and looks at in confusion because he isn’t sure of the point._

_As soon as she leaves, he finds Adam’s room and then stops at the empty bed, feeling lost._

Xxx

He’s outside staring at the mountain in the distance. It’s so calm here and he wonders, for a moment, how he’d fare in a city. At what point he’d be overwhelmed and lose what little of himself he’d clawed back.

Or worse, if he’d overwhelm someone else again.

His memory of his childhood is…wobbling. He remembers Adam being the centre of it. Like the sun and he just spent his life in orbit, always trying to match up and yet never seeming to move closer. But there are times when Adam simply…was. And when Adam seemed almost catatonic.

He got better when they got to the tower.

Or was it when they no longer shared a cell?

Jamie tugged the cloak around himself and looked out across the sky. And then down at the notebook in his hands.

_Pancakes. Swimming._

It’s a pathetic list and he can’t help but think of Bucky Barnes and how he’d always carried around his notebook.

He really is his father’s son.

Xxx

Constance takes him to a rocky jut that leans over a lake that could be made from polished glass.

He grins and dives in without thinking twice

 _Daredevil_ , Wong has written in the notebook when Jamie returns.

He traces the words and smiles.

Xxx

Someone makes sesame ice-cream and it’s fucking awesome.

It goes in the notebook. And he manages an hour of something that’s between yoga and the energy exercises that they give and his mind isn’t quiet but it doesn’t jump around as much.

Xxx

 _Ice-cream._ Dad once took them to an ice-cream shop, Jamie remembers.

 _Dancing_. He enjoyed that, he realises, when he was in the clubs. Wong lets him borrow his headphones and his music and Jamie can almost feel his brain click off. He finds himself moving with ease and he can’t believe how much it helps.

 _Funny_ someone else has written in the notebook.

 _Thoughtless_ – he upsets Cam and didn’t even realise it. 

Xxx

He dances along the wall and tries to remember the steps that Steve once taught him. It’s only when he tries to speed them up to match a faster track that he realises that the sneaky shit actually taught him training moves.

Was Steve actually so sneaky that he never came across as anything other than straight laced?

Huh. 

_Not that observant._

Xxx

It’s six months in when he realises that he misses people. Not to say that he isn’t with people but just…talking. Meeting new people. Laughing about TV shows or teasing and stuff like that.

“How close did I come to killing you?” he asks Dr Strange.

The man looks up from his books, (seriously, how does the man think that he doesn’t read enough). “Close,” Dr Strange admits. “If I were a normal human without defences…”

He leaves it unfinished and Jamie thinks of Dad. Of Pepper and Adam. Of the little baby…Morgan. His sister who he’s never met and who he strangely feels envious of rather than fully fledged jealousy.

Normal humans.

And Steve and Bucky and Bruce and Natasha who, if they’re all very honest, probably live on the hair line fracture of being fully functioning adults who don’t just collapse into some form of PTSD.

He needs to control this thing.

Xxx

It’s February when they start to take him to cities and the first time Jamie passes out which is all kinds of embarrassing.

“Acclimatising,” Wong theorises that evening. “Like when you have spicy food. You’re worse if you take a drink and then we have to start the whole process again. With your whining and complaining and-”

Dr Strange glares at him. “Are you done?”

Wong seems to think it through. “Are you done drinking water in the middle of eating?”

Jamie slips out, feeling a little awkward because who knew that Wong actually found Dr Strange annoying too?!

Xxx

He’s braced for it the next time. And the next. They experiment a little. Bucky Barnes’ door in his mind is perhaps the only thing left over and Jamie thinks it’s probably his own desperate clinging to the structure that meant it was the only thing that Sinthea did to him that he’s allowed to continue. It’s not his hurt or pain in that doorway either so it’s somehow much easier to manipulate. He starts to be able to aim controlled waves of pain at people, letting it flood through him, unhurt and mostly unaffected. It never lasts more than three seconds, gone before the person even knows what it is.

The test comes when he watches some news program about the latest hero…some spider weirdo who it seems is hanging out with his brother and dad. Jamie sits and seethes about it for an entire evening until…well…

“Tone it down,” Dr Strange actually shouts up to him. “We’re eating and not sharing.”

He goes for a run. And yeah, okay, he meditates. 

God, he sucks.

Xxx

New York is…testing. And not just because it’s really tempting to run down to Queens and find this Spiderman and shout in his face to back the hell away from his family.

Childish was probably the tenth thing that he wrote in his journal. 

It’s been added about seventeen other times too. Losers. And once it was three times on the same page, just to hammer that message home. 

There are seven people who know about the journal including Jamie. Go figure that one.

He stands on the sidewalk, movie star glasses on because it’s probably best not to push his luck when his face was last seen being worn by a mass murderer. And his hair is so bad right now. It’s like Bucky when he was still in his ‘I’m a caveman assassin’ days and there does not need to be any solid photographic evidence of this moment.

_Vain?_

Yeah. Who’s he fucking kidding?

He buys ice-cream and sits in a chair, watching people come and go. Avengers towers is still there, but his home was sold about eight months ago and it’s just another office block now, though there’s a gathering museum at the top.

That’s weird. That’s actually really weird.

But he’s so much better at this now. A man is shouting at a cab and Jamie lets it brush over him like sweeping through long grass. A baby cries and there’s a teenager barking down the phone and Jamie doesn’t feel any of it or shove any of it into others. His mind is calm enough to just observe without feeling the need to take any of it on. And he doesn’t feel threatened so he doesn’t try to thread together the energy and form it into some sort of weapon to slam into or against people.

“A month,” Dr Strange parrots back doubtfully. “You think you’ll be ready in a month?”

Jamie nods.

Wong stares at them and then walks out of the room, closing the door gently behind him.

“You don’t agree then,” Jamie sighs, flopping into his seat. “Why?”

“Managing the emotions of people around you is…what you could do at fourteen,” Dr Strange reminds him. “We have simply returned you to where you started.”

“No,” Jamie argues. “I didn’t care back then. But now…I know how to…” he makes some gesture which is meant to convey things passing over him, but probably fails. “I’m starting to control this.”

“I agree,” Dr Strange says, leaning back. “You can harness it, control it. But you are telling me that you will be able to walk back into the Avengers lives and face their doubt and suspicion and shock. And all the emotions that will come with seeing each other again?”

Jamie nods. He’s not like…completely sure. But pretty sure.

Dr Strange moves his hands and-

Jamie forces himself to let it happen this time. To let his astral body be shoved out of him and then he’s in the air, floating.

“See,” he challenges. “I’m fine.”

Dr Strange says nothing, but the world shifts and twists and then-

They’re in some building. And the writing on the wall is Spanish and Jamie can read it even though he never studied that at school. 

Sam and Natasha sit on one side of a table, eating and there’s a blond head and a dark head and Jamie holds his breath even though he isn’t actually in his body.

“-won’t stay with us much longer,” Sam’s saying.

“No,” Steve agrees, sounding almost defeated. “I’m not sure what it will mean though. Ross will come after her if she goes back to Tony.”

“She’s a big girl,” Natasha points out.

“Nah, she’s iddy-biddy,” Sam says and spans his hands. “Also think she can take Ross,” he allows when Natasha glares. “Just…she needs to eat something every so often. All I’m saying.”

Bucky suddenly swings around and stares at Jamie. 

Then slightly to the left, a crease forming in-between his eyebrows.

“You all right?” Steve asks, turning too.

“Could have sworn…” Bucky’s voice sounds gentler somehow. Or maybe Jamie’s no longer a scared kid seeing him like the monster in the basement. “Wanda will do what she wants,” he says, turning back. “You gossiping about it won’t change a damn thing.”

“We could step out now,” Dr Strange offers, his voice oddly quiet too. “What would happen?”

There’s be guns and knives. And talking and explaining and they’d want proof. 

The idea of anyone thinking about looking in his head makes him want to vomit and he can feel something gathering-

He’s back in his body as Dr Strange crashes to the floor and Wong comes running back in.

xxx

The next internet search he does is to find out about the ways in which they could test him. 

In the years since he was…well…fucked over, the world has caught up with Hydra science. There are a lot of mind techniques and equipment to study the mind and memories as developed by Stark Industries and then mimicked by Hammer. The government has started to roll out this new technology for huge cases and there’s a note that perspective shifts memory and that it’s not infallible technology.

But they would use it on him.

Thaddeus Ross is…well. In Jamie’s memories he’s a boogie man; always lurking with threats and sneers that Dad found frustrating and the Bruce just…vanished from. 

He’d preside over such a court case. And he would tear his mind apart.

He has nothing to hide. He’s not a martyr and he has no intention of clinging to guilt the way that Bucky did. But he knows, he knows that if they come near him with that sort of equipment that he’s in danger of killing everyone in the room.

Sitting back, he stares out of the window and chews on his lip.

Xxx

Standing in the middle of the room, Jamie closes his eyes and reaches out. He can feel people flickering at the edge of his awareness before he shuts the door and then it’s dimmer, barely there.

With a trembling hand, he reaches out and presses play.

It’s an amateur film of the Avengers about two weeks after he was taken. Dad is getting out of a car, his face pale and drawn. He seems like he might shake apart at any moment and Jamie feels a strange wobbling lurch of his stomach.

“Mr Stark,” a reporter cries, leaning over the rope that’s cordoned off the area. “Mr Stark. Have there been any leads?”

Dad continues to walk.

“Did Ultron kill him?”

Dad slows slightly and then keeps walking, but the cameras at a good angle and, just as he slips on some glasses, Jamie sees a flicker of a hint that he’s crying.

 

Jamie pressed pause, leans into the wall and curls over himself, staring at the frozen image on the laptop that he’s dragged into the sealed room. He’s shaking a little as he reaches for the next downloaded video.

It’s more recent. Adam in the Captain America uniform. It’s changed a little, enough to make him obviously not Steve and he’s not quite as broad yet. He’s nodding to a question and it all seems fine, except Jamie read the title of this youtube clip.

“Mr Stark,” someone calls and, even with all of it, Jamie hiccups a laugh because Mr Stark? Wow. “What about the rumours that Jamie Stark is dead?”

Adam snaps his head around to the reporter and stares at him furiously. “My brother died when he was fourteen,” he says, and there’s some edge to his tone that refuses to go any further.

“Red Skull then?” the reporter pushes, leaning forward. “There’s been no sighting for months.”

A muscle in Adam’s face ticks. He looks like he wants to say something, but Maria Hill leans to whisper something into his ear and Adam swallows back whatever his gut reaction was. “Hydra factions have been known to go quiet for decades when they so choose,” Adam says and his tone is all business. “We will continue to be vigilant, as we would be with every other threat.”

“What about this?”

Jamie can’t see the picture, but Adam can. The comments section suggest that Red Skull at some point got into a fight and there’s a scar on the edge of his hairline that would match up with it. Maybe. Who the fuck actually knows. For all Jamie knows, he literally split his head open when he killed the fucker.

Adam stares at it and then starts to move away.

“What would you say to those who claim Jamie Stark is getting what he deserves?”

It’s baiting and, as a master baiter, Jamie kinda feels a little impressed by it. 

Adam, does not.

He turns and launches himself and the camera filming swings to display Adam holding the reporter against the wall by the throat as Maria leaps after him and Happy is in the crowd, fighting through and aiming for Adam with a determined anger lighting up his features.

Well, as much as Happy’s face is ever lit up.

Between the pair of them, they manage to get Adam to let go and Jamie is pretty sure Adam is letting them pull him back. He doesn’t take his eyes off the reporter though and there are Stark employees flooding in and demanding cameras and-

It goes off.

Well that didn’t work. It’s shit to see Adam like that, but Jamie is pretty sure it’s just re-affirmed every reason why he’s Jamie’s hero in life.

Adam will know.

If he can get Adam alone, Adam will know. They shared a room, they shared emotions before. And Adam-

Fuck. Adam will literally place himself between Jamie and the rest of the world. Which is like the worst place to stand most days. 

“You’re so fucking dumb,” Jamie huffs at the frozen image of his brother. “Of all the ways you could be like Steve.”

Xxx

He’s balancing on the edge of a wall when Wong comes to find him.

“Not suicidal,” Jamie calls out. “Just bored.”

“Mm,” Wong says and peers down at the sheer drop below. “Those are not mutually exclusive with you.”

Jamie grins.

“Come,” Wong summons and Jamie jumps down, curious as he starts one of his travel circles.

“Words,” Jamie replies as they walk through. “Use them.”

“We are under attack.”

Jamie stops and twists around to look because…is it a spiritual attack because the entire monastery looks its normal calm self. “I’m not sure-”

The yellow circle engulfs him and he’s in the New York house and being dragged towards the safe room. “Wong,” Jamie asks, and he’s not afraid, just baffled as the circle leaves. “What-”

He stumbles as the emotions suddenly clang over him and he reaches out for Wong as something to steady him. He can just about hold himself, his knowledge of self, separate from what’s happening around him. It’s like…like bath bubbles in liquid and trying to keep it all together rather than allowing it to separate and dissolve and that’s a stupid analogy but it weirdly works. 

And then he’s in the safe room and the door is slammed shut and it’s even thicker than it was a week ago when Jamie was in there.

Wong gathers him into a chair and Jamie bends over his knees, clutching his head to keep his thoughts together.

“Stay here,” Wong orders. 

“What’s happening?” Jamie gasps, sitting up and he feels like his head’s been rung like a bell.

“We’re being attacked. A big threat. He wants to wipe out half of living creatures.”

Jamie snorts and then looks up when he feels Wong’s determination as he strengthens the runes surrounding the room. “Wait! What?”

“You have to stay in here,” Wong says, turning to him and holding his face. “You go out there and they succeed and the backlash will kill you.”

“Or I can help-”

Wong seems to consider that. “Or kill everyone within a mile radius.”

“I…I can…I can do something. Dr Strange said-”

“Not yet,” Wong says and he’s annoyed suddenly. “You cannot direct it. Not like this. And it will be a bomb waiting to go off if you are out there if it happens.”

Jamie stares blankly ahead as Wong lets go of him and walks out. 

“But…the Avengers,” Jamie says, turning to call down the hall to Wong. “They’ll stop it.”

“Maybe.” Wong returns and Jamie crinkles his nose when he spots the mini fridge in the man’s hands. He turns and looks up and there are nutrition bars on the shelf like this is gonna be a nuclear shelter. 

There’s the sound of the door locking.

Wait.

He launches himself at the door, but Wong’s locking it and Jamie bangs his hands on the door, trying to ignore the memories that this conjures of Sinthea making him think that he was being locked away from his family.

The door doesn’t move and the only time he tries to gather energy to push against the door it gets reflected back at him and he ends up on his ass.

“Couldn’t have left me with a fucking book?” he shouts and then bangs his head against the wall. Wong is such a paranoid bastard. When exactly have the Avengers ever lost?

Xxx

It’s four hours later when he feels something. It starts at the base of his spine and he looks up from where he was doodling various shitty cartoons of Wong tripping over his own feet.

It feels like the world’s waiting.

He tightens his grip on the pencil and is suddenly very aware of his breath. The image of the door and the runes seem to brighten and he watches because it’s not his imagination. The room is getting lighter and lighter as if the runes are starting to burn.

Nervous, he stands and backs against the wall, eyes on the door as if it might be a person that will burst through rather than a sensation. 

It can’t…what…

There’s a sinking terror because if this…whatever the fuck it is has wiped out half of humanity or life or whatever then that means that somehow, the Avengers failed.

And if the Avengers failed…

And then it’s like his chest collapses. He’s on his knees and he can’t breathe, can’t think because-

Adam.

Adam’s gone.


	3. Chapter 3

Jamie isn’t sure how much time passes. The grief is suffocating and the emptiness feels, at times, worse even than when Red Skull was filling up his mind until he was trapped like he’d been shoved into a suitcase and forced to gasp for breath while his knees jammed into his lungs. This…this is just… there’s nothing to cling to. Nothing to hold.

When he screams, no-one answers. Or cares.

He drinks the water that was left for him. His interest is dulled and lost, but his body demands and he only has to reach out a hand to open the fridge. 

There’s a vague image in his head. A shadowy memory of him and Adam, his brother cradling him and he looks so young. Scared as he dribbles water down Jamie’s throat and everything hurt.

He shakes it away. But it’s hardly the only image he has of his brother taking care of him. Jamie could probably sit for years before those images ran out.

Hunger gnaws in his stomach but that’s…easier? A physical ache that he allows because it’s how he feels and he knows that his emotions are…unreliable. Shifting feelings at the best of times and at least, no matter what happens, the ache of hunger is a constant.

Xxx

_In his head, there is still a door. The hallway has vanished now, shattered to pieces._

_All except Bucky Barnes’ door._

_Reaching for it, he traces a pattern on the glass. It’s frozen and misted like being shoved in cryofreeze and Jamie isn’t sure what he’s looking for except some contact._

_The image is behind the door. Not pushing through or overwhelming, but like watching a movie. Bucky Barnes, younger, his hair shorter and greased within an inch of its life as he places a hand on a shorter man’s shoulder as they stand in a church. His eyes are sad and narrowed completely on the blond man who stands with his head bowed and he shakes his head at someone who hovers close._

_It’s a side of Barnes that Jamie doesn’t remember. Hasn’t experienced in his memory. But he leans against the glass all the same and wonders how the man has coped with Adam’s death. How Dad has._

_Something nags at his mind. Something that he…_

_Wipe out half of all living things._

_Half of…_

He opens his eyes because Adam is bad enough but what if-

He stands, surprised at how shaky he is and stumbled to the door, placing his hands upon the carved wood and pushes-

The feedback knocks him out instantly.

Xxx

_Someone is curious. And sad. And losing hope._

Jamie opens his eyes and rolls over into blood. There’s not a lot, but the tight feeling on his face tells him instantly that it came from him. With clumsy hands, he pushes at his cheek and traces the rivers back to his nose and mouth and coughs, dried chunks of the stuff spraying out.

He’s pretty sure that nearly killed him. Even pushing up to his knees makes him lose his vision for seconds and black bubbles pop out like when film’s exposed to light. 

He coughs again and he can feel someone become alert.

There’s a moment of deliberation because he doubts that Hydra just happily let him walk out and never did anything about it. Possibly the fact that he stumbled across a nightclub is the only reason that they didn’t find him.

He really isn’t sure that he gives a shit.

He bangs a hand against the wood and it’s pathetic and yet he feels exhausted from the attempt. The coughing was probably louder.

He throws the water bottle instead. And that makes more of a noise. Which is lucky because Jamie has nothing else in his bag.

The door handle turns and nothing happens.

“Hello?” a voice…a familiar voice asks. “Is someone in there?”

He hasn’t drunk water since he passed out and the fucking bottle isn’t close enough now which is why all he can do is try to speak and then wince at the way his throat creaks and croaks. 

There’s a chiming noise and then the sound of a key in the lock. 

“Jesus,” Bruce says and Jamie knows that voice now and beyond that it hurts and Jamie ducks his head to the floor, refusing to allow the emotions to reach him and all he can do is croak out that the door needs to be closed.

Something must get through because the door is closed and the pressure is not gone, but massively muted. And then there is water at his lips and Jamie gulps at it, as Bruce pulls him back to sit properly, bracing him.

“What happened?” Bruce asks. “What…where’s Wong and the…uh… wizards?”

Jamie just shakes his head. “I don’t…” He turns into the man. “Keep the door shut,” he begs.

He can feel Bruce’s growing curiosity but nothing stronger and Jamie wonders at it, but…

“Have you been in here since the snap?” Bruce asks.

“Snap?” Jamie chokes out. “I don’t…they said…” he can’t even process it, “It hurts.” And he tries to tuck himself under the man’s chin like he’s six again.

It hurts even more when there’s a kick of shock and suspicion and he can feel calloused hands gripping his face, manoeuvring him to meet Bruce’s stare.

“Jamie?” he asks, in absolute horror and that hurts and Jamie gasps, trying to curl away from it, but Bruce feels surprisingly strong or maybe it’s the fact that Jamie is newborn kitten weak at the moment.

“They…Tony said you’d died?” Bruce is shocked and amazed and suspicious and horrified and—

Jamie throws up.

Xxx

When he wakes up, Bruce is still there and he’s not alone.

Steve is there.

Jamie’s been washed and there’s a bowl of bubbled water in the corner as well as stained towels and he feels a little better.

He’s also handcuffed.

“You have a beard,” Jamie mumbles as he sits up. “Still.”

Steve stares down at him and he’s in a plain t-shirt and army style trousers and Jamie doesn’t want to reach out because that hasn’t exactly been going so well. “What are you doing here?” he asks and he sounds clipped, harsh.

“I…” he’s too dazed to figure out how to explain that one. “Hurts,” he mumbles, turning away from the door.

Steve gets closer, crouches down and gives Jamie no quarter. “We’ve done this game,” he says, still sounding harsh. And this close, Jamie can feel the guilt and horror and fury and frustration and desperation-

Jamie pushes it away and Steve rocks back on his heels, shaking his head as if to get rid of swimmers ear. Jamie looks around the room and it’s like someone’s been murdered with the blood and mess and broken things and he doesn’t remember breaking them so maybe it happened when he felt Adam-

_Adam._

Bruce and Steve suddenly gasp, doubling over and Steve reaches out for the floor to brace himself and Jamie wonders what it would be like. To push away the grief that he can feel and just walk away and-

He pulls it back.

And it fucking sucks. That should be on record. It sucks.

Hands are on his face again and Steve is trying to look into his eyes. “What was that?” he demands.

“I can’t…I…I need,” Jamie gasps and pulls away again. “Ecstasy?” Jamie asks, turning to Bruce. “That’ll do it. Please?”

Bruce’s eyebrows draw together. “I…uh…”

“Or cocaine. Anything?” Jamie rears back away from Steve as he looks back up. “Fuck off,” he adds, half-heartedly. “Or death. That might work.”

Steve cups his chin with one hand. And then hesitantly strokes a hand through Jamie’s sweat soaked hair. 

Then Jamie’s head is slammed into a wall and he falls unconscious.

Xxx

He wakes in the car.

He panics for a moment, but they’re upstate or something because there are trees and stuff and they pass the odd abandoned car but no-one is really around. There’s panic and pain on the edge of Jamie’s range, but nothing that he can’t ignore.

He’s still handcuffed.

He studies it for a minute and can feel Bruce’s gaze on him. Up front, Steve is driving and barely paying attention to the road as he studied Jamie in the rear mirror.

He turns from them both and leans his head against the window. The car and Steve’s driving is so smooth that it’s actually quite soothing.

“You gonna say anything?” Steve says after a while.

“Why?” Jamie asks the glass. “You won’t believe me.”

“I might,” Bruce says, quiet as ever. “I’ve been…away almost as long as you have.”

Huh. “Where were you?”

“Space.”

What? Amused, Jamie turns to look at him. “What just like.. floating around?”

“I was on a planet where they had a game that was like a gladiator ring.” Bruce shrugged. “I was the Hulk for years.”

Jamie throws him a doubtful glance and then settled back into the seat. “Think yours was nicer than mine.”

“Me too,” Bruce says gently. “Yours?”

Jamie looks away. “Dunno,” he says, watching the trees. “I just hid under the bed.”

In front, Steve seems to freeze suddenly. “Under the bed?”

Jamie shrugged.

Xxx

They come across a military base which has the A on it which must mean that this is where the Avengers moved to. 

The gates open and they drive in silently. At the entrance to the building, Jamie can see people standing and he thinks maybe it’s Uncle Rhodey and Natasha with some white blond hair and that’s it.

Steve stops the car and comes around, opening the door on Jamie’s side as Bruce opens his door and Jamie locks himself down because he’s not a fucking idiot. Or at least he’s not a complete fucking idiot.

Thing is, even not reaching out, the hostile suspicion is radiating from the group.

Xxx

He’s put in a cell but it’s like a luxury hotel if he’s honest and Jamie doesn’t have to guard his mind quite so actively inside the plastic tube.

He’s wary as fuck when Natasha sits down in front of it, the rest standing or sitting further back and he can guess from their expressions as to just how the spectrum of anger and worry is shifting.

“Adam Stark was one of the snapped,” she says casually.

He looks away because the fact that she doesn’t think he knows that is fucking insulting. 

“Bucky Barnes was also snapped.”

Huh. He looks over at Steve whose face belies nothing and Jamie is not touching that with a forty foot barge pole.

“Wanda Maximoff, Vision-”

And they are?

“Sam Wilson-”

Sam? Again, he avoids looking at Steve.

“Peter Parker and Dr Strange went into space with Tony Stark. They haven’t returned.”

Jamie looks over. “He’s alive,” he says quietly. “D…Tony.”

Natasha waits.

“I’d know,” Jamie adds, looking away. “I felt Adam. I’d know.”

“He’s in space.”

Jamie imagines for a second, letting her feel everything and-

“I’d know,” is all he says. “Dr Strange though…he could have circle thingyed them back.”

“You knew Strange?” Bruce asks.

“He was helping me…” Jamie gestures at his head. “It’s like teleporting. So I guess him and Wong are both…But who’s the other guy?”

“Spiderman,” Uncle Rhodey says and Jamie looks up with a scowl. 

“Wait…so Spiderman might be dead? Good,” he mutters, crossing his arms.

Uncle Rhodey’s eyebrows shoot up to the sky. “I’m sorry? What?”

“Spiderman,” Jamie mutters, toeing at the floor. “Who cares? He’s…a suck up,” he adds, his brain not really able to come up with a better insult. “A Dad stealing shit bag,” he adds when they all stare at him blankly.

Uncle Rhodey sits down on the chair like he’s forgotten he has legs.

Xxx

They leave something like a control collar on him only they’re metal bands on his wrists and mean that someone could electrocute him which, to be fair, isn’t the worst idea anyone’s ever had.

And it’s probably telling that it’s only acting like a complete brat was what made the Avengers give him a free pass here, but whatever.

Jamie promptly finds his Dad’s stash of booze and gets drunk. Which sucks because everyone around him is sad and guilty and just fucking serious which means he just gets worse and passes out.

Which, on the bright side, passing out is kinda the best escape he has at the moment.

Xxx

Pepper arrives with the baby four days later and Jamie just nopes straight out of that one. Anyone who comes close, he slams them with grief and hurt and he sneers at them that they should all use those electric bands if they feel so strongly against it.

Pepper shouts at the Avengers. Jamie finishes off the scotch.

Xxx

The baby is confused.

It’s been two days since Pepper arrived and Jamie just…just can’t. And he can feel Pepper is hurt, even with his shields up or boundaries clear, he can feel her hurt. 

But he just can’t.

The baby though…he’s not really sure how to deal with it and she has such little emotions that he…he guesses he can live with it.

They’re all talking and he can feel the moment her confusion slips into isolation. She wants to be held and is upset and it resonates a bit too much so he sighs and picks up the human ball of flesh.

Morgan is instantly soothed and is happy.

And she’s the only happy thing in the building.

He gently strokes the feeling, and there’s this ache in his chest that starts to fade. Not go, just…dim.

“Jamie?” Pepper sounds terrified as Morgan giggles.

“She’s happy,” he mumbles into the dark hair. “She’s the only thing here that’s fucking happy.”

Pepper’s fear twists and Jamie puts the baby back down.

They’re discussing him when he sneaks out and steals a car. He shouldn’t know how to drive, but Red Skull left behind some muscle memory so he figures it out, finds the nearest town and gets high as a kite and fucks his way through a group of friends who are desperately looking for contact.

Xxx

Steve finds him. 

“Probably can make it so you want to join in,” Jamie offers. “I look enough like Barnes, right?”

The hurt that blasts into him steals Jamie’s breath and he sighs as he stumbles from the bed.

“I’m so fucking bored of old men dragging me from an orgy,” he complains as Steve throws some pants at him. “Just so it’s on record.”

Steve grabs at him. “You’re high.”

“As a kite,” Jamie grins. And pushes the sensation into Steve who stumbles back. The man gasps and presses his back into the wall, looking up as if God might help him. “I have a fast car outside?” Jamie offers.

Steve actually snorts out a laugh. “Bet mine is faster.”

Xxx

He’s high and the car is going at stupid speeds down the road and Steve is pushing his car to go even faster and it’s like flying.

They stop about half a mile from the base and Jamie lights up a cigarette and gallantly shares it with Steve.

“You did this with Barnes, right?” Jamie asks. “I saw some of his memories,” he adds when Steve shoots him a suspicious look. “Blood memories. It’s like a homing beacon for what they were doing. He…it was an imprint of him I guess? He helped me hide.”

Steve takes a long drag. “Red Skull took Adam once. Demanded to know where you were hiding. Adam…he never answered. We found you both about thirty minutes in but…” he sighed, “made no difference for you I suppose.” He seems to chew on that for a while before turning to Jamie. “You know Bucky changed his mind?”

“About?” Jamie asked, reaching for a joint instead. “What?” he asks when Steve raises an eyebrow. “My buzz is your buzz.”

Steve seems to think about it and then sighs and shrugs. “You,” he says as he watches Jamie light up. “You remember the expo?”

“The one with the bomb?” Jamie asks and then nods. 

“He found you. Took you to a safe house while you were unconscious. He begged Stark to give him another few minutes. Held you and cried. He…” Steve looked away. “I can never excuse his first reaction to you, Jamie. But once his head got sorted…he loved you. And now…he doesn’t know. That you escaped.”

Jamie took a deep drag of the joint and stared up at the sky. “Probably best,” he mutters. “I’m a fucking mess.”

Steve snorts. “Welcome to the club, kid.”

Xxx

Some blond chick who lights up like a nightlight appears and Jamie is kept far away from her as she barks orders and he thinks that maybe she and Steve square up fighting for the title of bossiest person in a room at any given time and then she’s gone. And there's the talking racoon and Thor sitting silently at a table and Jamie watches them for a moment before deciding he does not have the energy.

“She gonna do anything?” Jamie asks, wandering after Steve because Steve…well…they’ve bonded? Or the others still look at him like the sight of him reminds them of shoving splinters down their nails.

Steve studies him and then guides him to a counter and pulls out some shaving equipment. “You have fluff,” he says in explanation.

Jamie touches his chin. “Stubble creates good friction when you go down on someone,” he offers.

Steve’s hands falter and then he meets Jamie’s eyes. “Bucky had the same opinion.”

Oh. “That’s gross,” Jamie complains as Steve lathers up some shaving foam. “That’s my bio dad.”

“And you’re the closest thing I’ll get to having kids,” Steve mutters. “And you asked if I wanted to join you in an orgy, so we have a ways to go before we’re even.”

Okay. “In hindsight,” Jamie allows as Steve smears the foam on his face. “That was…not good.” He watches as Steve picks up a razor. “But you and him were fucking, right?”

“Mm,” Steve agrees, carefully starting to shave him. “It was never a secret, Jamie.”

“In love?”

“Mm,” Steve says again, wiping the blade. 

“You lost all of them,” Jamie whispers.

Steve hesitates and puts down the blade. “I lost Adam years ago,” he says, the words sounding difficult. “But Sam and Wanda and Bucky…” He looks away. “But…despite it all…you’re back. And I’ll make the most of it,” he says, hand stroking Jamie’s hair. 

Xxx

Of all of them, Thor is the one that Jamie avoids. He reeks of loss and sadness and guilt. So much guilt. And the one time Jamie did get close he has a nightmare.

_There’s an image of his Dad’s hesitant face as he holds out a hand, one arm reaching back to protect Adam who looks like he tried boxing with the Hulk._

_Then there’s a look of absolute betrayal. Dad’s lips moving with words even as Jamie knows his hands are shoving a knife towards his face._

“JAMIE!”

He’s jerked awake by Steve who looks pale and unsteady and Jamie gathers all of that shitty emotion back in the way you fold up a tent when packing away. He can hear someone being sick in the bathroom and the baby wailing her little heart out.

Stumbling from the bed, Jamie crashes into the door, fumbling with it desperately because he just wants to get away, to pretend that wasn’t something that happened and-

Steve catches him. 

“It wasn’t your fault,” he whispers harshly as he wraps Jamie up into a fierce hug. “It wasn’t your fault. No-one ever thought that.”

And it’s like he’s six again and he turns and hides in Steve, trying to become as small as Morgan and hide from the whole world. But he can feel…ripples is the best way to put it. He’s tossed pain and guilt into a pool and the rest are reacting. Outside, he can hear someone screaming into the air and he thinks it’s probably Thor.

“I should go,” Jamie whispers, digging his hands into Steve’s t-shirt. “I should-”

But he can feel Steve shake his head and Jamie just holds on because he’s almost sure his sanity depends on it.

Xxx

There’s a scar, Jamie realises. Along the edge of Dad’s cheek on a photograph from two years ago. It’s hidden by his hair line and is faded in the photographs from a few months ago.

He did that.

He pulls up one of Adam and studied those pictures intently, but he can’t see anything because the serum ensures nothing is ever left behind.

Jamie doesn’t know if that’s better or worse.

Xxx

In the morning, everyone is avoiding each other and that’s probably Jamie’s fault too. But Pepper is in the main rooms and is feeding the baby some banana which…would not be Jamie’s choice but okay.

Jamie hovers at the edge of the room, stealing fragments of peace from the interplay between mother and daughter.

“I’m not sure I remember you ever being so quiet,” Pepper says after a while when she mops up the baby’s face.

Jamie shrugs and then ducks his head to avoid her gaze.

“Tony wasn’t happy. About Peter,” Pepper says suddenly. “Adam found him patrolling. Both as bad as each other. But Tony avoided meeting Peter for ages. He hated the idea that you might see it as being replaced.”

Jamie kicks his bare foot at the carpet and then sighs, rolling back his neck. “Most normal people would say that’s stupid,” he offers, feeling like he’s pulling on a coat to insulate them from his feelings on the matter.

Pepper actually snorts at that. “I told Tony that you’d be more upset with Adam hanging around with a younger, loud, brown haired boy than him doing it.”

That’s…probably true. 

“He’s…friendlier. Sweeter. Eager and earnest.”

“Sounds like an upgrade,” Jamie mutters.

“He…” Pepper shakes her head. “He has a family, Jamie. He just needed help. And he was never a replacement. No-one could replace you.”

Jamie lets his gaze rest on Morgan. “I’m sorry you lost the baby,” he said, looking away. “Even if I wasn’t…” he shrugged. 

But she gets it and just nods and he can feel something bubbling from her. He’s prodded an old wound and hasn’t done it in a kind way.

“You said you would have felt if he’d died?” Pepper asks suddenly and the hope from her hurts.

“If they were both dead, I’d have died.” And it might sound like some shitty line from those soap operas that Thor used to watch when he was a kid, but Jamie knows he barely survived Adam on top of the world mourning outside the room in New York. Anything more and…

Yeah.

Pepper looks horrified.

“Whole world’s in mourning,” Jamie croaks out. “Even I can only cope with so much.”

Xxx

He gets high and Natasha sits with him.

“Want one?” he offers.

She shakes her head. “I saw Clint’s home. His family…” she shakes her head and looks across the fields. “Don’t go near him,” she suggests.

Jamie snorts. “I don’t exactly fly well,” he points out. “Or cope with cities and masses of people unless they’re all in a certain mood so…” he shrugs.

He can feel her watching him intently. “What did Strange want with you?”

Oh that. “Energy,” Jamie said, leaning back. “Emotions are a form of it. I can manipulate it. Sometimes. Maybe. But at the moment I’m like a bomb. Can’t direct it,” he explains.

“You always wanted a super power,” she offers with a small smile.

It make him grin. “Think even little me would have realised how shit this is.” He debates it. “But on the bright side I can flatten the shit out of anyone who tries to get in my head.”

“She’s gone.”

The words make him half snap his neck in order to look at her. “What?”

“Sinthea Schmidt. She was one of the snapped.” Natasha passes him a tablet and Jamie sucks in a breath at seeing her face. “She was in the midst of interrogating someone at the time.”

He shoves it back at her, suddenly angry. 

“You wanted to do it,” Natasha sighs. “You wanted to be the one to kill her.”

“Wouldn’t you?”

Xxx

That night he refuses to sleep. Instead, he watches the news. Like it’s a form of torture because maybe if he’d been better, stronger, more focused then he could have helped and somehow made a difference or at least fought by his brother’s side.

He’s drunk everything in the base and while no-one’s stopped him, no-one’s actively helped him either and he’s almost out of pot when the water (God help him) starts to shake.

If it’s an earthquake then Jamie is going to call dibs on the worst month ever.

Hope blasts him off the sofa and he gasps against the wall, unable to deal with it as he feels people running outside. And he pulls himself up to look out the window and see a goddamned space ship being lowered back to earth by nightlight lady.

Seriously?

Part of him is tempted just to go back to bed but he can see everyone is outside and staring at it like Santa’s rocked up and-

Oh.

He bolts before he can really work out whether he’s heading towards it or as far away as possible. And Uncle Rhodey catches him and holds him close.

“Let him off. He’s gonna be injured,” Uncle Rhodey hisses firmly in his ear. “Kid, just let him touch ground, okay. He’s back. We got time.”

The man who stumbles down the ramp looks so thin and tired and small. His Dad isn’t small. But-

He can feel it. In the depth of his bones and the thrumming of his blood. 

And Steve is there, helping him stand and Pepper is hovering close, Morgan still inside it seems. Jamie’s fingers itch, ache.

And Uncle Rhodey stumbles back with a surprised noise and Jamie just…flings himself forward and Steve tries to catch him but can’t without dropping Dad and-

He should take more care with a man who looks as fragile as his Dad but he doesn’t. Ideally, he’d squidge them together so hard that there wouldn’t be a way to separate them ever again. And Dad is shaking and people are saying something and-

Dad’s sick. Tired. 

So Jamie just pours.

And there’s shouting and panic but it’s fine.

Sort of.

Maybe.

He passes out.

Xxx

When he wakes up, Dad is at his side, attached to bags of fluid but looking alert as he reads something on a tablet.

Jamie closes his eyes. Tentatively reaches out and there’s just…love. Miles of it. There are flickering other emotions and there’s a grief that matches Jamie’s but, at the moment, it’s just love.

He’s barely aware that he’s turned over and is shifting closer, like he’s a sunflower on crack, reaching for the sun. And then a hand is in his hair and he stills, revelling in the sensation.

“Hello Jim-Jam,” Dad whispers.

Jamie peeks up at him.

Warm brown eyes are tired and still set in a too thin face. He looks scruffier than Jamie’s ever seen and he’s sat in a robe and Jamie could trace his bones if he wanted.

He waits for the questions and demands, but someone must have filled him in because Dad just keeps stroking Jamie’s hair and stares down at him. 

And then he leans down and presses their foreheads together and it’s…

Well.

Jamie tries to climb into his neck like he’s turned into a spider monkey. And Dad’s emotions waver for a moment but he’s clearly holding onto love because it’s all that Jamie can really pick up from him.

“I got you,” Dad whispers in his ear and just holds him even though Jamie is eighteen and probably heavier than Dad is at the moment. “I got you.”

Jamie just bursts into tears. And the room starts to shake because…this was stolen.

A moment like this with Adam was stolen.

Something falls off a table and smashes and there’s shouts from downstairs, but Dad remains calm and soothing all the way through. And it’s clean. Powerful, but pure. 

“Tony?” Pepper asks and she sounds worried but Dad must make some movement because she doesn’t say anything else and again Dad’s emotions wobble but seem to refocus on love.

“I hurt you,” Jamie suddenly breaths, trying to wriggle out because this is…this is… “I-”

Dad shifts, cups his face and all Jamie can see is those brown eyes. “I don’t care,” Dad almost snarls and there’s no arguing with that. “I don’t care,” he says again, gathering him in. “You do what you need to do, Jamie. But I’m not letting go.” And he wraps Jamie up in his arms and he feels stronger and safer than Steve. Steadier than Uncle Rhodey.

It feels like getting foundations again.

Jamie screams into his shoulder. He knows that he’s letting out waves of energy but he hasn’t a clue where it’s going.

Dad holds steady.


End file.
